Hello my lovelies! I just want to say a big THANK YOU to everyone who embraced my previous confessional post Being Quiet Has Its Perks. It really seems like a lot of you understood how I felt and were happy to know that you weren’t the only ones feeling the same! So I decided I’d do another one, with another regrettably lame title. (It’s a curse, truly.)
Embracing Your Inner Single Girl.
Or, as I like to call it, My Life.
As many of you are already aware, I broke up with my last boyfriend on January 1st after exactly 3 months of dating. (Yeah…that timing was accidental. I swear.) But I found myself constantly worrying about one thing or another and I felt like things were very lopsided. He was absolutely putting more into the relationship than I was, even though I was trying. I, however, was still somewhat hung up on the guy I had dated before that.
It interfered all the time. I was making myself unhappy being in a relationship that didn’t feel right, so I ventured back into Singledom with a newfound respect for trying to love myself before I tried dating again.
I know. How cliche, right? I thought so too. But I’m 23–I want to do my own thing for a while without trying to make someone else happy. I wanted to have my Friday nights back for watching sappy romantic comedies that no previous boyfriend of mine had ever wanted to watch. I wanted to have my reading time back (because boyfriends and a job seriously cut into that). But most of all, I wanted to enjoy my life. Lately, it’s felt like dating is more of a chore than an enhancement on my life. Which probably totally means I was with the wrong guys.
At first, it started out pretty easy. I put up motivational post-it notes on my mirror with things like “Carpe Diem,” “be brave,” and “do what makes you happy” on them. I watched those sappy romantic comedies. I learned the salsa, cha-cha, and samba dances with the Spanish club at school. I even had time to start writing a new story of my own, though I will probably be the only one that ever reads it. Oh, and I finished cross-stitching my own Christmas stocking! (After 1.5 years, it’s about time!)
I was being productive and I was doing things that made me happy. It felt like it was the first time in ages I’d been able to do that without constantly worrying about spending time with someone else.
And then the dark clouds started rolling in again. The bitter cold of this winter reminded me how warm it was to be snuggled up with someone else. The romantic comedies I like so much made love and relationships look so perfect. The songs on the radio even made me miss having someone. (Seriously–my computer just started playing “Good Morning Beautiful” by Steve Holy. An older song, but beautiful.)
Even though I was missing having someone around, it’s not what I wanted. It’s still not what I want. This bitter winter has made it hard for me to go out and do those things I so desperately want to do.
I hate to say I want to reinvent myself. It’s not that. I just want to do the things that I’ve always thought I couldn’t or shouldn’t do.
Here are a couple of examples:
1) I want to cut my hair. My hair is thin and this weird kind of wavy that’s only wavy below my ears. But it’s been shoulder-length or slightly longer since around my freshman or sophomore year of high school. Sure, I changed a few things about it. Bangs here, layers there. But I can look at middle school pictures of myself and see the same hair style. I need a change. Now, though, I’ve been seriously thinking of cutting it chin length. Like mid-2000s Julia Stiles in The Prince and Me (pictured below) or the early Bourne movies. God, I have serious hair envy for that. I have for years. And now I think I’m brave enough to try it. I honestly think the last time my hair was that short was when I turned 13.
2) I want to go to dinner and the movies by myself. On college campuses, the one thing they constantly drill is that you should never go anywhere alone. Safety in numbers! But I think there’s something to be said for treating myself every once in a while. If I’m the only one of my family/friends who wants to see the new live-action Cinderella, why should I wait until it comes onto DVD to see it? If I’m in the mood for Italian food, what’s stopping me from treating myself to dinner after a long week at school? I know someone will likely look at me sadly as though I’ve been stood up for a date, but I think it could still be fun.
I’m quickly learning that being young and single isn’t the curse I always thought it was. While there are days where I wish I had someone to share everything with, I’m actually quite happy on my own. An open calendar means I can spend the day shopping at the mall rather than waiting for a phone call. I can wear what makes me feel good rather than what makes me look good. And I can spend my evenings cha-cha dancing to the Latin Workout station on Pandora if I want to. (It’s an awesome workout, FYI.)
And who knows? Maybe while I’m out embracing myself as a single girl, I’ll bump into the right guy at the right time. I’m not ruling it out…I’m just not actively looking for it.